I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
