I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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