haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just forgot I was standing up.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
