Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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