Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
