I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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