I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
