Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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