...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
