I faked an abortion last night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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