In the future we'll all be gay
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
