Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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