I didn't shave. On purpose
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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