anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
