I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
