i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
