She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
