I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
