I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
