my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
