we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
