i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
