The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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