it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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