I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
