Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
