forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize