I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
