Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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