Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
