Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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