I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
