I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
