Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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