I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
