You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
