Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize