PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
