u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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