She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
