I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
