A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
