I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
