If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
