My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize