I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize