Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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