I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize