I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
