Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
