I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize