I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
