is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
