god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize