I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
