Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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