apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
