I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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