I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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