ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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