Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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