literally had 100 drinks last night.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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